Beloved in my Brokenness
A love that existed before I did a single thing and is still there, even after all I have done…
We live in a world where being too busy is normal. I work as a baker and maker which means I am my own boss and no one is telling me when to start and stop working. What I didn’t realise is how much I value myself through my work and that I have become a slave to my work, because in some way, working hard allowed me to feel of worth and valuable.
Somewhere along the way, my ability to rest without guilt, that I was letting myself and others down was stolen. My perfectionism was never satisfied with what I achieved and my self-worth had become reliant upon how hard I work or how many people rely on me.
Last Monday I took a day off; a day to rest. I left my phone at home and went on a road trip. An hour into the journey I knew God was about to do something big in my heart. I began to feel burden, after burden crashing down onto my shoulders. I carried pressures and worries I wasn’t even aware of, I resented myself for not working hard enough to relieve these pressures and I was caught up in a cycle of self-rejection.
We drove through the rolling hills, overlooking the vastness of a roaring ocean and my heart felt so broken. Not by someone, but broken because of the lie I believed. I believed my worth was only in what I do. This is an exhausting way to live.
Living as a slave to your work, causes you to over-work and lose track of who you are. Suddenly all you can see of yourself is what you do, and sadly we begin to believe, that without our profession, degree, family role or social status, we are nothing.
I know this is far from the truth…it’s funny how you can know what is truth but still struggle to believe it for yourself.
As we drove, I sobbed like a baby- it was messy! I just kept hearing the words… ‘I loved you before and I love you still.’ I stared at the power of the ocean and the raw beauty of the cliffs. I couldn’t believe how simultaneously loved and broken I felt. Beloved in my brokenness.
On Monday, resting meant giving myself time to notice this broken part of my heart and allow God to piece it back together again. The creator of all things loved me before I did a single thing and loves me still…
Understanding and accepting the love God has for me in this new way has taken almost a decade of knowing Him.
The concept of not needing to prove we are worthy of love is something I have been told repeatedly, and proceeded to tell others, but I never fully accepted it. I never allowed myself to live out of the freedom that was waiting for me in the unconditional love God has for all of us.
A love that existed before I did a single thing and is still there, even after all I have done.